Disclaimer: This blog post is not meant to be a diagnostic criterion. Consult a mental health professional if you believe you might have Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).

I.

Before I sit down to write, I have this urge to create. Not just any creation. The type of creation that fills not only its own measure, but that of the creator as well. Meaningful creation. Meaningful productivity.

The type of creation I’m referring to is fiction that examines the world in a way that I haven’t seen before. I want to create meaningful experiences that stick with people, encourage them, and let them know they’re not alone.

The inspiration is there, inside me. It is a universe that my frail frame cannot contain. I need only to write and develop the nebulae of ideas, then write some more to solidify them into matter. Then my words join the language of emotion. Every language has a story made up of smaller stories. Our stories.

But what if I couldn’t write?

What if the words became lost?

What if the mind becomes filled with static or white noise and the stories and words are forgotten?

If our lives exist in the moment and in memory, what happens when we begin to lose the latter?

Am I still a writer?

II.

I didn’t know I had ADHD until long after I understood depression.

The type I have isn’t what you think about. It’s the kind that makes you tired all the time, to the point that you cannot stay awake no matter how many hours of sleep you’ve stolen. It’s the kind that makes you jumbled up inside, and my reaction was anger. I became angry because I was apparently incapable of being competent.

It’s the type that causes fear of responsibility. If you’re responsible, then you must force yourself, at the very minimum, to be competent in something. But what if you just…can’t? What if the very idea of being asked to carry out a task in addition to everything else in your life absolutely terrifies you?

It’s the type of ADHD that hides from anything social, because everything about connection drains you. It’s the type that looks for ways—in every situation—to do the bare minimum because you physically, mentally, and emotionally cannot endure more. And that mentality becomes a habit that’s hard to shake, even on your good days.

Lastly, and most importantly, it’s the type of ADHD that’s inattentive. Absent. Somewhere else.

In a society where being present for others is hailed as one of the highest moral and ethical virtues of a husband, a friend, a son, an employee—I seem to be deficient.

*

By the end of 2020, I had a handle on my life with the help of medication and counseling. 2021 was probably the best year for my mental health in a very, very long time.

Things weren’t perfect, but my lucid mind was gazing upward and outward. I published seven books a little over a year. I taught students at the university level for a semester, and I was working as an executive assistant for my writing mentor.

But then the medicine slowly lost its effectiveness. I took a number of personal hits in my life. Deaths of those who were close to me. Depression seeped back in, and I was forced to make choices I didn’t want to make.

I even stopped writing for a long time. Months. I didn’t know when or if I would start again.

Then I got COVID three times in as many years. If the brain fog wasn’t as prevalent before, it was now. Long COVID is a thing, and it’s quite possibly my worst nightmare.

It has made my ADHD-I brain worse.

III.

You see, ADHD-I is a type of brain. It’s not simply a condition.

It’s classified by words like inattention, forgetfulness, and daydreaming. You are careless, distracted, disorganized and unfocused. The symptoms are less disruptive in your life, so it often goes unnoticed for years compared to the two other types.

(ADHD-HI revolves around hyperactive and impulsive behaviors, with less trouble focusing on tasks or organizing. ADHD-C is a combination of both, with individuals showing significant difficulties with both inattention and hyperactivity.)

My ADHD-I causes mental fatigue, sleeping problems, procrastination and avoiding tasks that require sustained focus (such as writing). I have trouble with low stimulation, meaning that I get bored and my brain often seeks out stimulation in the form of food and drinks. Chocolate, in particular, is my go-to snack with its combination of phenylethylamine (PEA), serotonin, and dopamine.

But since an ADHD-I brain is usually starved of dopamine, this can turn into addictions and eating disorders.

You see? ADHD isn’t just one single problem. It can be a host of them.

ADHD-I can also cause emotional exhaustion. Have you ever been called “lazy” or a “failure” before? Even if you’re the one saying those words? Have you ever been frustrated with not being able to focus on a single task? It all adds up, draining your emotional energy a little at a time.

Last but certainly not least, ADHD-I has affected my confidence, my self-worth, and self-perception.

I’ll explain. Think about the following:

1. You struggle with attention and task completion.

2. You struggle with the perception of laziness or lack of motivation.

3. You struggle with being present in social situations, at work, at home, at school, or with friends.

4. You struggle with emotional regulation and negative thought patterns.

Now define what “confidence” means to you. Go ahead, I’ll wait for you to reach your own conclusion.

Exactly. ADHD-I isn’t exactly conducive to gaining confidence in one’s self. So what’s the solution?

Is there a solution?

IV.

I once believed that a writer is only as good as their tools. But here’s the truth: a writer is only as good as how they use their tools. Especially writers with ADHD.

You can have all the amazing tools in the world, but if you don’t use them or in the right way, you’ll fail. Simple. Learning and knowledge are important, but wisdom trumps knowledge every day. Wisdom is the application of knowledge. It is experience multiplied by learning and humility.

W=E(K•H)

Or something like that. Math is hard. Anyway, my point is that there are coping strategies (tools) we can use even when our own brain is sabotaging us.

• Break your projects into smaller, more manageable bite-sized portions.

  • Scrivener helps me write and think in scenes rather than full chapters. If I finish a scene in a single day, I consider that a win.

• Use helpful tools to stay organized.

  • Obsidian is a free, open-source note-taking tool that helps me keep track of all my notes. I use Aeon Timeline to keep my universe timelines on track. Microsoft Excel helps me stay organized on the business side of things. And so much more.

• Set realistic goals and celebrate your wins (smaller wins are still wins).

  • When you finish a project or complete a goal, you could buy yourself a little gift or take a vacation (or staycation. Whatever you want).

• Incorporate breaks and self-care into your creative routines.

  • Writing Sprints are a good way to be productive, but sprints should be punctuated by periods of rest between them. You can’t sprint forever.

• Find support in the writing community.

  • Thanks to the internet and social media, there are hundreds if not thousands of communities (in-person and virtual) out there where writers can find refuge. I like Alliance of Independent Authors and Superstars Writing Seminars. You might find others.

• Share your experiences (whether in a private journal or in a safe space).

  • For some, it might be a good idea to open up about your issues if you feel safe doing so. In my example, this blog post is really about me writing down the feelings I’m willing to share with followers.

I am still struggling with self-care, celebrating my wins, and finding support. However, I’ve been wanting to write a blog post like this for a while in an attempt to increase my own understanding of myself. Before now, I was never in the right state of mind to end it on a positive note. (Most of those posts would have been walls of text filled with rants and negative thoughts.)

I even came up with an awesome title to illustrate the horror of what I felt: “I Have No Brain and I Must Cogitate.”

Well, maybe it rips off Harlan Ellison a little too much, but it certainly illustrates the truth that ADHD-I, made worse by Long-COVID, has turned me into a kind of creativity-starved zombie. But I have resourses. I don’t have to remain miserable forever.

V.

I will address the elephant in the room. This next tool is something I call “Assistive Intelligence” and it has helped my life tremendously in the past year or so. See my AI policy for more information.

As I recover from Long-COVID and deal with ADHD in the long term, I sometimes need AI to help me think and keep my thoughts straight. I’m not the only one who has used AI as an assistant for my disability. Many others with brain fog have found that using services like ChatGPT and Claude are helping them get through the hardest times of their disability.

It’s a bit controversial in the indie publishing community at the moment, as indicated in this survey by Draft2Digital, but I believe that as we arrive at “greater contractual protections and transparency governing use, intellectual property protections, and rights restrictions,” then AI will become more widely accepted.

I am optimistic for the future.

You may choose not to use AI, and that’s fine, but those who use it to help compensate for a disability should never be bullied for their choices.

VI.

I sit at my computer and hope for the inspiration to flow from my mind to my hands to the keyboard.

The words don’t flow like they used to. They may never flow the same way again. But because that desire to create persists, even if I stop writing for weeks or months at a time, I put in the work. I keep learning and, eventually, I show up to write.

Do you know how I know I’m a writer?

It’s because despite this limited brain I have, it won’t let me forget I have many more stories to tell.

Did you know that you can now buy my book, Breaking Colossus from my website at:

books.mattwrightauthor.com

Starting at $0.99.

Intelligence Officer Roth Soleis receives news his war hero father is MIA.

His mother, Alora, is at the heart of a military-wide insurrection.

Now, someone wants to destroy their family’s legacy forever.

Read Breaking Colossus if you enjoy:

• classic and contemporary space operas

• intergalactic wars and military sci-fi themes

• political maneuvering and the interplay of power dynamics

• stories that explore the psychological and moral complexities of characters

• narratives with a mix of high-stakes action and introspective moments

• detailed and immersive world-building

• stories with multiple POV characters and intricate subplots

• a balance of action scenes and character development

• emotional resonance and themes of redemption, duty, and sacrifice